9/10 Suicide Prevention Day Know you are not alone Know you are loved This passed Wednesday I went to lunch with my father and aunt. We were talking about life and moving forward, which lead to talking about our family’s pain. Suicide broke us. We lost a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, and a best friend. Pain that no one deserves to feel. Pain that will always linger.
Looking back on coping as a child, I remember pretending everything was fine. Everything was not okay though, and it will never be okay. Then I didn’t want to be treated differently, but in reality that’d happen no matter what. As a child I didn't know what I was feeling, but throughout this year I’ve been feeling the past. It’s something I can’t put into words yet, so I’ve been expressing it through art.
As I’ve been working through these emotions, I’m noticing some feelings are changing. My most recent realization is my self worth. For the first time since I was eight I feel I deserve happiness. Growing up feeling abandoned and alone is the hardest thing I’ll ever know. I led myself into unhealthy relationships, because I felt I didn’t deserve better. In high school I tuned to drugs and alcohol to make myself feel better, of feel nothing I’m unsure. But in reality I was broken. Literally everything I imaged as a child, was impossible. All my hopes and dreams had my mom by my side.
Words are hard. Talking about such a heavy topic is hard, even with family. It has gotten a little easier along the years, but it will always be a difficult topic because we all still hurt. My dad and I have never really spoken about how we feel about this. I know we both are aware of each other’s pain, but it goes unspoken. When I was young, I was hard on him. I was so angry and wanted to make everything difficult, but in reality I just needed to release my emotions. I may have not known any better, but as an adult I realize I shouldn’t have been such a brat. Over the last couple years our relationship has grown so much, and it’s a beautiful thing.
Looking at my dad in the past, I could always see his pain. Experiencing this made me hurt more. It’s alway difficult to see someone you love in pain, and not know how to help them. Friday I was visiting with my dad, and for the first time in 18 years I didn’t see his pain. It will never go away, but it took 18 years to become lighter. 18 years for me to see a smile and know it was real.
Even after it all, I always looked up to my mother. I wanted to be the person she wanted to be. Today I know that I am. In this exact moment, I see so much of her in me. It’s beautiful, but I’ll always wish she could be here with us. And so will every person she ever touched.
Know that will always be the case, your loved ones need you. Without the ones you love life will never be the same.